She laughs at me when I call her my baby. I then ask her if she is a baby or a big girl and she repeats, “big gwerl!” She wants to do anything her sister does, she wants to wrestle like her brother. She’s my baby but more importantly, she is my last baby. I definitely see I am in denial about how big she is getting, since she wore a size 18 month dress to church yesterday, it is only natural that I still look at her like a baby.

I have no clue how make everyone I come in contact with happy, no clue how portray right from wrong without someone feeling I am judging them, no clue how to get through a day without calling on the name of Jesus. I also don’t have a clue how to wean her from her pacifier, or how to get her to wear her hair up for more than 30 seconds. I do know how to cuddle babies though, and brush long beautiful hair and I definitely know how to raise a child so beautiful she takes my breath away. I had lots of experience with that with her big sister and big brother. I may not know much….but….

I know how to be her mama…how do I do that? There’s no trick. Just be me, because that is all that was required of me when the Lord decided I would raise these children. I need not demand more of myself than that. He is love, he is kindness, he is not spiteful, I strive to be more like Him….so I can be the best mama to her…

On Wednesday I had the opportunity to hang out with friends, talk shop, listen to talented and experienced photographers and have a really fun day. WPPI came to Sacramento (Wedding & Portrait Photographers International) and I’m really glad I was able to go (thank you babe for being an awesome Daddy all day so I could go!) It was the first time hearing photographers like Jonathan Canlas, who shoot in pure film. It wasn’t enough to make me want to switch from digital, but I definitely got the itch to pull out the ancient camera my dad gave me and see what I could do with a roll of film.

Each hour that passed that day I became more and more confident and excited about my photography. Not in my ability, because I am constantly learning and growing, but in what I am passionate about shooting. I may not be an insanely expensive, over the top wedding photographer like one of the speakers…but I’m a mom with a camera and I love it. My passion is to capture families right now, in exactly their place of living. I am excited about what my photography is all about.

Here are just a few snapshots…I didn’t take many pictures at all during the day, too busy taking notes!!

hmmmm….any guesses on what my name is? Sheesh!

(oh my goodness Cierra’s iphone hurt my heart!)                          (I actually won something!)                                               ( just the girls hanging out!)

(from left to right) Me (apparently  showing off my fake smile) , Jeanette, Juanita, Cierra and Susanne

…Lily is officially out of diapers. Not even a pull-up at night. This is all extremely bittersweet…honestly, way more sweet than bitter :)

Yes…I do take photos of my children on the potty.

ps. Last night’s APC home party was so much fun! To all of the wonderful women that stopped by my table, thank you for the lovely compliments and I certainly hope to meet you again in the future!

z

Literally in the middle of class at the moment…we’re doing a project on editing and preparing an image for the web. For my photo I’ve chosen this picture I took of Hal Gould yesterday at the “Camera Obscura” gallery in downtown Denver. He has been working at the gallery for about 43 years, he is 91 years old. As we were roaming the halls of the small, cluttered gallery we started to realize that this guy is a big deal. I quickly looked him up online and he is known to be the “sage of Colorado photography”. What an icon. What a great experience for me and the students.

The other students are posting their own photos of yesterday. You can find them here…

Jamie
Michael
Laken

I’m hanging out with a very cool bunch of young people this week. Today was our first day of class and I’m sure I talked their ears off. Tomorrow I’ll do the same.

Who could resist it? Talking about two of my passions intertwined all week? Photography and Jesus? I’ll take it…any day of the week.

Missing my family more than my little heart can handle, but husband is doing a superb job with them, building forts, feeding them pancakes for dinner, sending me photos and short videos, continuing to potty train our Lily. What a guy. My guy.

I’m having fun.

I’m in Denver, Colorado. Well…Aravda to be exact. I’ve never been to Colorado before, I’ve never had a desire actually. This is one of those States that if I was ever able to visit, great…if not…no problem. I figured how special could it be? How different really? But I’m quickly learning from one United State to another…things are so different.

I got off the plane in Denver and walked into a vast sea of people. I’ve witnessed that before, I’ve traveled in LA’s airports, I’ve gotten off a train in the middle of China, I’ve walked into a great market square in Mexico…but when I trudged my way through the hot hall from the plane, with my laptop bag over one shoulder, my camera bag on my back, I stepped into another world and my eyes were pounded with senses that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I know the reason why….I am traveling alone.

My normal routine when flying on an airplane is to follow. I do not lead, I hold a hand (usually of a tiny person) and I follow the man who has been placed as the leader of our family. He knows his ways around airports, he knows where he is going, he knows west from east and I barely know how to read a map.

Suddenly an overwhelming feeling of being alone hit me, (not to be confused with loneliness, because that is a whole other topic). This feeling of being by myself was also meshed with the horrible sickness in my stomach from a turbulent plane ride. Not a good mix.

I slung my bag over my shoulder again and headed for the big sign that said “Women”. I needed a second. My stomach was turning.

I approached the restroom and on a big yellow sign for everyone to see it said, “Tornado Shelter”. My jaw dropped. I am definitely not in Sacramento anymore.

In times of panic and fear…we often wish there was a big yellow sign saying where to go, “Come Here! Shelter from the Storm this way!” Oh thank you…now I know where I’m going, now I know how to be safe.

through family issues

through strongholds in our lives and addictions

through fear and insecurities

We want a shelter…

I am so thankful we have one. He is a huge blinking yellow sign showing us the way. I don’t believe we will be unscathed…but I do believe we won’t be alone.

pics from my iphone

I was so happy to see the older kids’ hot, dirty, smiling faces when we picked them up from camping with their Grandparents. They went on and on about how much fun they had, marshmallows they roasted, hikes they took and how dirty they got. I thought for sure they wouldn’t want to come home with us and would run back to Grandpa, begging him to take them back to the campsite. Instead…my mama’s heart got a response that we only dream of. Little Zachy got in the van, sat in his car seat and said simply in almost a whisper, “Finally.”

I was buckling him in and did a double take…”What did you say?”

“I just missed you so much…”

He nestled his head into my neck and let me hold him for a moment. I took a deep breath of his dirty camping hair and he smelled like a campfire and Buddy, the family dog all at the same time. Oh he had had an amazingly fun time all right, he will remember those two days with his Grandparents for a long time…but he knows where he really belongs.

Aren’t we all like that sometimes…we go off, have some fun, maybe it is what we are supposed to be doing, maybe it isn’t…we fall back into our Loving Father’s arms and realize that is where our true home is. I wish I could just always remember the feeling I get when I’m truly being comforted by the Ultimate Comforter. I wouldn’t want to leave that fulfilling, safe place. But I forget…and I go away…but He is always faithful to remind me where my home is.

We all got to the front door and Abby said, “We’re all back together again.” Yes…this feels right…

My boy, dirty camping hair, mosquito bites and all…

Her Daddy & I got to spend two whole days just with her while A & Z went camping with their grandparents. We had such a fun time, I don’t think she stopped talking the entire time! I am always trying to find out who she is and what her personality is like. She is a mystery to me. She’s got the passion of her sister and her brother’s temper. She has Abby’s hair and Zach’s strong will. She loves to sing like her sister and will play with dinosaurs like her brother. She is totally content to play by herself but enjoys a good full tea party as well.

She is a perfect little combination of everything I love in the world. God is revealing to me how great these little three gifts I have are. I love their special unique personalities.

We were all small and unique once…here’s a thought…maybe we still are. Through all the trials and just plain ole’ life stuff that happens we feel like our uniqueness has gone away. You know that very cliche saying, “You were born an original, don’t die a copy.” Well…its true.

Have you forgotten how special and unique you are?

My wonderful friend came to visit the other day with her three kids. It was a really fun day, the kids swam and played and fought and it was wonderful! They are all extremely loud and by the end of the day they were totally exhausted!

We ended the day with some photos, the light was just perfect! Juanita is a photographer in the bay area, and I made sure she took some photos of me before she left! I needed some fun ones of me for my new blog revamp! (Which reminds me…what do you think? I’m still doing quite a bit of work on it, but this is it for now!)

The light at the end of the day was just awesome and Juanita’s middle baby let us take photos of her, she’s such a great photographer’s kid! Thank you so much my beautiful British friend with the Spanish name! I love our visits :)

Juanita’s daughter took this photo! She totally rocked that heavy camera!

Juanita took these…thank you so much!! I’ve never had someone take my pictures before, it was a fun experience!

I figure if I blog about the 4th of July before the week is over…it still counts. Right now my mind is swirling in 1000 different directions, I almost forgot to even grab my camera when we were about to set off fireworks. I love writing, and I don’t do it enough. I commit to changing that, whether anyone reads it or not…I want my thoughts somewhere for my kids to read them one day. I want them to know they are free to wear their emotions right out front, but to know how much to keep hidden in their hearts for Jesus and their spouses to take care of.

I love reading other blogs, specifically ones from fellow moms who love the Lord. I have been so moved by her posts lately. She talks about our words and the intense power they hold. I choose to realize that power and to do something about it. I can choose who speaks into my life, who I surround myself with and who is allowed to influence my kids. I can choose what I say, I have complete control over my tongue and how I use it. I am free to choose…

I am free to not settle, to keep pushing forward to demand that the best possible me surfaces

free to say no when darkness starts to surround me

free to choose…

I have a choice. I choose to speak life, to use my words to lift up others and not tear them down

I choose to cultivate friendships that are grounded in the word of God

I choose to not degrade my husband

I choose to not yell at my children

I know I am not free from trials, but I am 100% free from allowing the trials to make me bitter and ugly

I am free to be beautiful

What are you free to be?