I haven’t blogged in a long time. Honestly, I don’t know why. My resolution to blog more has intensely gone down the drain. I have about about 5 entries in my drafts waiting for me, half finished, like little time bombs, waiting to go off. If I post one of them…those emotions, those secret rain drops will go flooding through the internet like a deep ocean. I have a fear of water, of deep bodies of water that I can’t easily swim out of. Remember that “fear” word I wrote about just two posts down? Yeah..that’s the one. The one that multiple moms contacted me about, expressing their common hearts and minds to me. I’m not the only one, I know that. I feel that part of me is here to suggest that you aren’t the only one either.
A little bit about me: I used to travel – a lot. I’ve been to multiple countries, lived (not just visited but *lived*) in Mexico, my daughter learned to walk in a foreign country and my son learned to crawl in another. I loved traveling, the adventure, the unknown and all the risks were intoxicating to me. I would have one child in my Ergo carrier and the other holding my hand, and we would play with the children of the country we were in. I used to speak a foreign language, although I would never let on that I could. I underestimated myself and in being away from traveling for so long…I have lost the dear language that I loved.
This past week I got on a plane for the first time in three years. We said goodbye to our children and for a few short days we reveled in the glory of a country that is dear to our hearts. We walked into a room, filled with strangers, proceeded to laugh, cry, worship and share…at the end of the three days we were strangers no longer. To put it lightly, it was refreshing.
In so many ways desires of my heart were met this week. Some history: in the middle of my pregnancy with Zach, I started to suffer from deep physical pain. It came and went and came again. Choosing to have Lily was a big decision for us and then the pain became so severe that it lead us to tearfully deeming Lily our last. First the pain sidelined me, and then the new trials of being a mom of three threw a wrench in my perfect traveling plans. It wasn’t the birth of my tiny princess…it was my Heavenly Dad saying “Pull back Amy…focus on your children, your health and supporting your husband.” I welcomed the new calling, but I still longed for a taste of adventure…of feeling like I was still that young girl who would fall asleep under a mosquito net to the sounds of new friends speaking a language I could not understand. I am still that girl…but now that language I fall asleep to is baby babble, or the sound of my husband cracking jokes that I am to tired to laugh about. I have new adventures…but they are not for me…they are for the benefit of my children.
This week I broke a barrier that I had been fighting for years now. The fake, imaginary wall that was built between the Mommy me and the Adventure me. They are one and the same…it just took me getting out of my comfortable little home to realize it. Oh how I missed my children, my heart ached to hold their little soft bodies and their little faces were wet with kisses when I got through coming home! Walking in my front door I knew where my heart belonged. So often over these past years I have longed to close my eyes and take in a deep breath, trying to imagine the wonderful scents of a country that is not my home. But today I walked in my small house, decorated with balloons and streamers to welcome home Mommy & Daddy…and a tiny princess ran up to me pleading with upraised hands for Mama to swoop her up…and she has never smelled so good.
He has not forgotten the desires of your heart. Grieve no longer the dream that has died its horrific death…our God is in the business of Resurrection.
